Saint George and the Book Dragon:

A Digital Steampunk Mumming




Performed by American Folklife Center Staff
Script drawn from multiple plays in the James Madison Carpenter Collection.
Compiled by Stephen Winick, with additional material by Stephen Winick, Jennifer Cutting, Theadocia Austen, and the company.

Dramatis Personae

Father Christmas (Stephen Winick)
Poor & Mean (Pete Sullivan)
Old Bookworm (David Quick)
Book Dragon (Valda Morris)
Schnook, King of E-Readers (Bert Lyons)
Saint George (Brock Thompson)
Doctor Terpsichore Snark (Theadocia Austen)
Bumruffle (Jennifer Cutting)

Village band:
Jennifer Cutting (as Bumruffle): Melodeon
Nancy Groce: Pennywhistle
Ann Hoog: Recorder
Cathy Kerst: Fiddle


[All enter, singing:]

Joy, Health Love and Peace
Be all here in this place
By your leave, we will sing
Concerning our king

Our king is well-dressed
In silks of the best
In ribbons so rare
No king can compare

We have traveled many miles
Over hedges and stiles
In search of our king
Unto you we bring

When Christmas is passed
Twelfth Night is the last
We will bid you adieu
Great joy to the new. [1]

FATHER CHRISTMAS:
Room….ROOM! Gentles all, pray give us room to rhyme
We’ve come to show activity
This merry Christmas time
Activity of youth, activity of age
Such activity has never been before upon a stage.
In comes I, old Father Christmas
And be I welcome or welcome not,
I hope old Father Christmas will never be forgot
My beard is long, my back is bent
My knees are weak, my strength is spent
Two thousand years and twelve is a very great age for me, and
If I’d been working all these years, imagine my “High Three!” [2]
But after me comes a Christmas elf, believe in what I say,
Step in, little Poor & Mean, and boldly clear the way

POOR & MEAN:
In comes I, Poor & Mean
Hardly worthy to be seen
Christmas comes but once a Year
When it comes it brings good Cheer
Books, Manuscripts, and Sound Recordings too
Nobody likes them better than you
[points to someone in audience]
Prints and photographs, movies and maps
Will never be replaced by iPhone apps!


FATHER CHRISTMAS:

Well, wait and see, you never know
Just how these technologies come and go
But now, to make you start and squirm,
We’ll see our friend, the Old Bookworm





BOOKWORM:

In comes I, the Old Bookworm
And let me solemnly affirm
That I love books that are made of vellum
Or else of paper—I love to smell ‘em
I love to hold ‘em, and turn their pages
I love that they’ve been around for ages.

My daughter grew up hoarding books
As others have hoarded gold
She sits and reads them every day,
Which makes her shrewd and bold
She does not like e-readers or other new devices!
Which might devalue precious books, the chiefest of her vices!

Would you like to meet her?
Get ready then to greet her!

BOOK DRAGON:
Stand on head, stand on feet
I want a literary treat!
I am the Book Dragon, look at my claws
I am the Book Dragon, here are my jaws!
Are any people here such schnooks
That they would threaten the dragon’s books?

KING OF E-READERS:
Perhaps I am the Schnook of whom you speak, upon my bits I swear
I’m King of all E-Readers, St. George is my son and heir.
His goal is to take all content, shrink it small as any muffin,
So folks won’t need a giant bunker just to keep their stuff in!
And if you dare to whine about the loss of resolution
He simply will arrange a very a nifty execution!
Step in, therefore, my noble son, with Kindles and with Nooks,
And fight this flaming dragon with its hoard of dusty books!

SAINT GEORGE:

In comes I, Saint George, a man of courage bold
And I shall slay that dragon and attack her books with mold!
I’ll yellow all her pages, I’ll lighten all her ink
I’ll tear her jacket and break her spine as quick as any wink!
Her shins I’ll quickly kick, her tail I’ll smartly slap,
All using this new dragon-slaying mighty Android app
[fumbles with smartphone]

DRAGON:
My books will last a thousand years, despite what you may do
But if I catch you with my claws, you’ll learn a thing or two
I will break your microchip
Your content from the cloud I’ll rip
Electrons from your Nook I’ll squeeze,
And break your Kindle’s LCDs!

[They size each other up.]

ST. GEORGE (to smartphone):
“How to slay a dragon”

[St. George and Dragon fight. During the fight, Poor & Mean and Bumruffle hold up signs asking the audience to cheer for Dragon and St. George. St. George is slain with a series of blows from the dragon’s book.]


KING OF E-Readers:
My boy, my boy, my darling son
The dragon has killed him! The Dragon’s won!
And to redress the dreadful act,
A startling penalty I’ll exact—
Outside my realm of E-land I will impose a mighty curse
That you will all agree will make your coming Christmas worse
I’ll stop the flow of content, so that no e-reader works
And when you’re stuck with nothing, you can blame it on these jerks!
[Points at bookworm and Dragon.]

FATHER CHRISTMAS:

Aye, Old King of E, it would fill any man's heart to see his son laid so low.
Dear Old Digital Dude, your son was just too slow.
But don’t despair, or abuse your might,
For perhaps he still can be set right.

[Shouts:]
Is there a Doctor to be found,
To cure his deep and deadly…wound?
[to rhyme with “found”]

ALL [including dead St. George, who sits up briefly]:
Wound!
[pronounced correctly]

DOCTOR:
Here I am, Dr. Terpsichore Snark
Arriving in my flying ark

KING OF E-READERS:
How came you to be a doctor?

DOCTOR:
By my travels.

POOR & MEAN:

Where have you traveled?

DOCTOR:
Jeffersonville, Madisontown, Adamsburg, and more
Many places where I’d never been before,
From The Magic Kingdom of Landover to the distant Navsee Sea,
Everybody knows the great doctor…me! [3]
I’ve spent years in global navigation
In the airship “Wolf Dog of the Sky,” my own creation

POOR & MEAN
:
A giant, bloated bag of hot air….

DOCTOR:
Exactly so!

POOR & MEAN:
What can you cure?

DOCTOR:
I’m glad you asked
Would you park my ark?

[Hands ark to Poor & Mean, and fetches a small cloth bag from her doctor’s bag. The cloth bag contains candy, and she throws one piece on each downbeat of the following speech]

DOCTOR:
I can cure pneumatic vapours, aetheric fluxion
Borborigmus and resulting suction,
Gas-induced mesmeric dispersion
And the dreaded cranio-rectal inversion [4]
Also, low TSP, momentum wheezes
Continuing Resolution freezes
And all other librarious diseases [5]

FATHER CHRISTMAS:
Yes, yes, but you can’t cure a man who’s been DEAD for five minutes!

DOCTOR:
If he’s been dead five YEARS I can cure him!
It’s not for nothing they think me so spiff,
For I can cure without but, and or if,
And I will cure this man in a jiff!
Will you join me on my rounds?

[Doctor and Father Christmas walk around and around the body. Doctor listens to St. George’s thumb with her stethoscope]

DOCTOR:
Just checking his texting thumb…
Hmmm, definitely dead….

[Doctor and Father Christmas resume walking around and around the body, examining it. Doctor eventually turns around and collides with Father Christmas. When they disentangle themselves, she returns to her bag and produces the Neural Drive]

DOCTOR:

Here’s a tool I recently built
To revive those folks as has been kilt.
It’s called the galvanic neural drive
And’ll make this dead Saint come alive!

[Doctor steps over dead St. George, bends down and treats him with the drive. The other mummers make a whining sound to represent the drive working.]

ST. GEORGE: [very quietly]
More!

[Doctor uses the drive again]

DOCTOR:
Now, if’n you are not quite slain
Rise Up, St. George, to fight again!

[St. George springs up, looking surprised,
The mummers start the audience clapping]

ST. GEORGE:
Oh-Em-Gee! El-Oh-EL!

BOOKWORM:
Now that’s a fine thing, I say to you
My dragon managed to run him through
She killed him dead, and what do they do?
Bring him back, to annoy us anew!

POOR & MEAN:
Hmm, they’re much as they were at the start of the play
So…nothing has happened this long winter’s day.
And if we don’t enact a plan
These two will simply fight again…



FATHER CHRISTMAS:
I think I know what to do…
Doctor, please, a word with you:

Father Christmas and Doctor talk and gesticulate, then Doctor brings in King of E and Father Christmas brings in Bookworm, and the four huddle; then Bookworm brings in Dragon and King of E brings in George, and the six huddle.

FATHER CHRISTMAS:

Is it settled? Very Well, Very Well
In order to prevent another venture into Murder
Instead we have negotiated a very happy merger.
Doctor, will you do the honors?




[Actors form a wedding party, with the Dragon and George in the middle, flanked by the fathers, and the Doctor acting as the minister. Throughout the ceremony, St. George is paying no attention, instead texting away on his iPhone.]


DOCTOR:
Thank you, Thank you! Ahem…

Clearly Befuddled, we have blathered here this day
To join saint and dragon in unholy matrimony.

Dragon, will you take Saint
To be your awful, wedded mate
Despite the fact that you two have never even had a date?
And do you further vow to black his eyes and punch his nose
To box his ears and pull his hair and stamp upon his toes . . .
To drink his beer and spend his dough
And make his life a tale of woe?

DRAGON [Eagerly]:
I do!

DOCTOR
Saint, do you vow to take this dragon
To be your awful, wedded wife
To be your "reptile dysfunction" all the days of your life? [6]
And further, do you vow to wash the clothes and scrub the floor
Give up all good times, forego all fun forevermore
To wash the dishes and make the bed
And wish to heck that you were dead?

SAINT GEORGE:
Hmm? Sounds good.

DOCTOR:

Fine, I now pronounce you Saint and Dragon! You may kiss the bride, if you dare!

[Mummers applaud and get the audience to applaud]

POOR & MEAN:
So now these two are happy together
As books and e-readers coexisting forever
And if you don’t believe this lie is true
Walk in, Jack Funny, and let’s hear from you!

BUMRUFFLE:
Here, here, my name’s not Jack Funny
Jack Funny’s a fool, Jack Funny’s a pest
My name is Bumruffle, a lady of great request!
I’ve a stripey bustle, and a corset too
My boots are fab and my gloves are new
I’ve a pair of goggles and this strange machine
An accordion that’s powered entirely by steam…

[Poor & Mean produces a fireplace bellows, with which he and Bumruffle mime inflating the accordion.]

BUMRUFFLE:

Me head’s so big, and me hat’s so small
I’ll play you a tune to please you all!
Muddy boots and dirty faces
Now all you dancers, take your places!


[Bumruffle plays intro to “Lilliburlero” on the melodeon, and the village band joins in. The married couple and their two fathers put everything down and dance. The dancers dance two figures, while the Doctor calls the dance. The dancers then grab audience members and dance with them. The rest of the mummers clap along, then applaud to prompt the audience.]

FATHER CHRISTMAS:
We hope you all have been impressed
And think our calling is the best
We won’t delay, lest tedium befall,
We wish you a merry Christmas
And God bless you all!

All Sing: “Gloucestershire Wassail.” [7]

Wassail, wassail all over the town
Our toast it is white and our ale it is brown
Our bowl it is made of the white maple tree
With the wassailing bowl, we'll drink to thee

And here’s to the bullock and to his right eye
Pray God send our master a good Christmas pie
A good Christmas pie that may we all see
With the wassailing bowl, we'll drink to thee

So here is to the milk cow and to her broad horn
May God send our master a good crop of corn
A good crop of corn that we may all see
With the wassailing bowl, we'll drink to thee

And here’s to the calf and to her left ear
Pray God send our master a happy New Year
A happy New Year as e'er he did see
With the wassailing bowl, we'll drink to thee

Then here's to the maid in the lily white smock
Who tripped to the door and slipped back the lock
Who tripped to the door and pulled back the pin
For to let these jolly wassailers in.


Notes



[1]  This song was adapted by Steve Winick and the company from a traditional song from South Wales.  In 1977, the English folklorist A. L. Lloyd described the original, as performed by the Yorkshire group The Watersons: "A wren-boys carol, sung by groups of boys and young men, masked and disguised, who on St Stephen's Day (December 26) went from door to door carrying a holly bush on which was a dead wren, “the king of the birds”, or something to represent it. This rare song came to the Watersons from Andy Nisbet, who got it from 'two old ladies in Pembrokeshire.'"  The Watersons evidently brought this song into the folk revival, but it was performances by Martin Carthy and Steeleye Span that made it one of the most popular carols on the folk scene. 

[2] In Government service the "High Three" is the highest job level at which you have spent at least three consecutive years.  It is used to calculate your pension and benefits upon your retirement. 

[3]  These are references to campuses of the Library of Congress; the main three buildings on Capitol Hill are named for Presidents Adams, Jefferson, and Madison, Landover is where some of our offsite storage facilities are located, and NAVCC (pronounced Navsee Sea) is the National AudioVisual Conservation Center, also known as "The Packard Campus," in Culpeper, Virginia.  The text also makes reference to Terry Brooks's "Magic Kingdom of Landover" novels, pointing out an irony only apparent to fantasy readers who work for the Library of Congress. 

[4]  Typically in Mummers Plays, the doctor makes reference to real and made-up diseases such as ""the itch, the pitch, the phthisic, the palsy, and the gout."  We wanted to give our diseases a steampunk flavor, so we used a variation of this idea, with real symptoms such as borborigmus mixed with Victorian-sounding ailments such as "pneumatic vapours" and "aetheric fluxion."  Pseudo-diagnoses are a rich part of doctors' folklore, and "cranio-rectal inversion" comes from that tradition; it means the patient has his head up his arse. 

[5]  The last three diseases on our list will be recognized by many government workers.  TSP, or "Thrift Savings Plan" is our 403(b) savings plan, equivalent to a 401(k) in the private sector.  Momentum is our budget software at the Library.  Continuing Resolutions are passed by Congress as stopgap measures in lieu of budgets, holding spending at last year's levels and therefore requiring freezes in pay, hiring, and spending.  Some traditional Mummers Play texts give the doctor a highfalutin way of speaking that includes made up words.  In some of these, he refers to "all other vandorious diseases."  It was a short step from that to "librarious diseases."

[6]  This line was censored in performance, to "reptile honey."  I loved the line, but we did not want to offend either the Associate Librarian for Library Services, who hosted one mumming, or members of the public, who attended the other mummings.

[7]  The Gloucestershire Wassail is a song sung by rural farm-workers in Gloucestershire, England, while visiting and toasting the inhabitants of nearby farms and houses.  According to folklorist Gwilym Davies:

The custom was first noted in Gloucestershire early in the 19th Century, the words being first published in the Times Telescope in 1813. In December 1912, the Cheltenham Onlooker wrote that the custom was observed in Cranham, Painswick, Stroud and elsewhere in the Cotswolds and “as recently as Boxing Day 1910, the wassail bowl, prettily decorated with coloured ribbons, fruit and evergreens, was carried round the parishes of Witcombe and Bentham. According to custom, the houses of the leading residents and farmers were visited and this ancient folksong rendered.”

Frank Kidson wrote in the 1890s of a Gloucestershire friend who: “tells me it is, or was until a few years ago, sung by farm labourers on Christmas Eve, a small band of them going about about to the various large farmers carrying a wassail-bowl decorated with ribbons. The bowl was one of those wooden sycamore or maple ones used to hold boiled potatoes on a farm kitchen table. The ribbons were tied to bent withies, which extended over the bowl in a bowed form.”

A version of the Gloucestershire wassail song was printed in the
Oxford Book of Carols in 1928, the tune of which was collected by Ralph Vaughan Williams from a Gloucestershire person in Pembridge, Herefordshire, who collated the tune with words collected from William Bayliss of Buckland and Isaac Bennett of Little Sodbury. This version of the carol has become popular worldwide and is sung today by many singers and choirs.

Our version is derived from this standard version, but such names as "Fillpail" and "Broad Mary," evidently names for farm animals, have been replaced with more generic descriptors such as "the milk cow" and "the ox," which makes the song more comprehensible to non-farming folk.

Photos with Captions