Introduction: The Newfoundland-and- Saskatchewan Squid-and-Bigfoot Mummers Play and Mock Wedding The Newfoundland-and-Saskatchewan Squid-and-Bigfoot Mummers Play and Mock Wedding
Dramatis Personae Bass-Ackwards (Stephanie Hall) Bigfoot (Stephen Winick) Beelzebub (Brock Thompson) Ethnosaurus (Valdasaurus Morris) St. Michael the ArchiveAngel (Bert Lyons) Squire David (Todd Harvey) Hell's Catalogers (Margaret Kruesi and Catherine Hiebert Kerst) Big-Eye Squid (Jennifer Cuttlefish) Doctor (Thea Austen) Cast enters singing “O Canada.” After “My home and native land,” the singers become increasingly unsure of the words and tune, and eventually fizzle out.  Bass-AckwardsIn comes I, old Bass-Ackwards From the reading room I have traveled stackwards From old Manila, where the envelopes grow To the town of Mylar, where the dust can’t go, I have moved, rehoused, preserved, and accessioned. And now I have handled every collection So I’ve come to report to my archive head About crumbling acetate, and sticky shed Paper going brown (from acid, I’m guessing) Tapes that smell like salad dressing Cylinders and spools of wire fieldnotes damaged by water and fire But whether it take a year or a day Here is Bigfoot, to clear the way! Bigfoot Room, ROOM, little runts, give Bigfoot room to rhyme Bigfoot come show activity This February time Activity of youth, activity of age Such activity never been before on any stage In comes I, old Big Foot…or maybe Big old Foot…hmmm…Bigfoot not too eloquent But Bigfoot knows these biggest feet in world (except for, maybe, elephant!) Bigfoot hair very wild, Bigfoot back kinda hunched Many small librarians have Bigfoot munched and crunched Five years ago, Bigfoot come to this Archive To find his friend St. Dr. Michael, greatest Bigfoot scholar alive He not call Bigfoot skunk ape, or any name so crappy Publish in book on “Manlike Monsters,” make Bigfoot kinda…happy! So now you people want to see this mighty Bigfoot scholar? Walk in St. Michael, ArchiveAngel or you make Bigfoot Holler!  (St. Michael is wearing an emergency reflector vest; his sword is a plunger and his shield is a recording disc with “Cryptozoology Blues” on the label.)All Cast He comes, he comes, our gallant hero comes Sound oh sound the trumpet, And beat, oh beat the drums Loud upon the shore the cannon roar Come in St. Michael and do the archive chores St. Michael the ArchiveAngel In comes I, St. Michael, ArchiveAngel, noble champion bold Who with my hands and sword did win this vest of gold I Indexed JAF, a bloody century of the journal Wrote articles and books with a stamina quite infernal Is there a creature, Bigfoot or small, equal to these tasks? Is there a creature, near or far, can challenge the deeds of my past? Squire David And in comes I, Squire David, Michael’s “trusty little friend” And I incline to serve Bold Michael’s needs until the end! For I have traveled everywhere, the folklore world around, But an archivist to equal him there never has been found Just search him out in MLA, he's parsed it up and down From Alberta to Sasquatchistan, Ontario to Newfoundland He's covered all that ground! Of all the words in Folklore’s broad domain, he has command Full 20,000 terms, or more, were entered by his hand! St. Michael the ArchiveAngel At the University of Northern British Columbia, at the periphery of Nowhere Is where I first met Bigfoot, should anybody care I bravely interviewed him, without either dread or fear, So he followed me to Vermont, and North Carolina; and then he found me HERE My ambition is to lose him, to sneak myself away And find my way back north, to where the moose and the Mounties play I approached that wizard Billington, and said, “I shall retire,” And he said, “Not so fast, Taft, there are things I still require!” So after mighty labours, to earn my permanent vacation My last task is to set up the toilet of emergency evacuation!  (Gestures toward the emergency toilet. St Michael and Squire David, along with the Hell’s Catalogers, begin putting the toilet together.)Bigfoot Bigfoot like to help, but knowledge of toilets not so good Just like bear, Bigfoot usually do business in the wood... But what is this? Bigfoot smell some other monster near! Smell like fire, and brimstone, or maybe red-tail deer... Beelzebub In comes I, Beelzebub On my shoulder I carries a club And in my hand a cylinder-can Don’t you think I'm a funny old man? So make room, room, for me And all my monstrous company. Make room for us and all our play…. Step in Colossal Squid and boldly have your say! (Squid is wearing a complex squid costume, including arms hanging from the actor’s waist, tentacle pads on her hands, and a fin on her head. The squid’s large eyes are on the actor’s buttocks.)  SquidI am a cephalopod, or “head on feet” I want an archivist for to eat! “Abyssal gigantism” explains my mighty size And of all the animal kingdom, I have the largest eyes. (Points to eyes/buttocks.) Okay, I know...that’s TMI...the necessary information Is that I really can’t stand toilets, Which explains my motivation. Now I’ll fight St. Michael the ArchiveAngel I'll slap him with these slappers (waves tentacles) And pluck his heart out with my beak To stop him building crappers! St. Michael Avast ye, squid, how you’ll be sorry! When I slice you into calamari (They fight spectacularly, and St. Michael kills the Squid with his plunger.) Bigfoot Hmm…St. Michael kill beast once thought to be mythical But later determined to be real! Bigfoot not sure this is ethical… Bigfoot not sure HOW Bigfoot feel! St. Michael I have more facets than the arms of that beast! And now I can invite you all to a calamari feast! Beelzebub There are others to fight, or so I say, Step in, Ethnosaurus, and show the way!  (The Ethnosaurus resembles a dinosaur or dragon, but has words pinned to her.)Ethnosaurus I am the Ethnosaurus, A frightening foe I am A nightmare of nomenclature That can swallow any man Under “health-body-anatomy-legs-feet,” You will find my claws And under “health-body-anatomy-head,” You will find my jaws! Is any man so brave and proud That he would seek the Ethnosaurus’s blood? Saint Michael As you all will know by now, I’m a man of courage bold And I shall slay that Ethnosaurus, Before the day grows cold I remember something my momma said, when giving me a clout I brought you into this old world, now watch me take you out! Ethnosaurus If I catch you with my claws, Long teeth and harried jaws, I will break off your core And increase my appetite for more. Knowledge from your brains I’ll squeeze, And suck your time up by degrees. St. Michael I’m so done with you, Ethnosaur You can’t hurt me anymore!  [With the help of Hell’s Catalogers, the Ethnosaurus emits a ream of loose papers, which hit St. Michael and knock him down. The Ethnosaurus then sits on St. Michael.] St. Michael Oh, the intellectual weight! [St. Michael dies; Mummers seem horrified.]  Beelzebub And now I gets to take him away! Bigfoot Not so fast, little Bizzly-boo Bigfoot think maybe we help these two Maybe there Doctor around this archive Can make these two dead folks alive? All Doctor? Doctor! Doctor Here I am, good Doctor Shaffer I cure disease with my magic wafer! Bass Ackwards How came you to be a doctor? Doctor (holds up map) By my travels. Beelzebub Where have you traveled? Doctor (gestures on map) Sasquatchistan, Canuckistan, Pouteenieville and more From the Avalon Peninsula, to the frozen Yukon shore Bass Ackwards Hmmm…what can you cure?  Doctor (throwing candy on each downbeat)I can cure the Blues, the snooze, the tall tales and the short The formulaic frazzles and the scoffs-and-mounties snort Transvestite Trembles, Mock Wedding Wheezes Blues Lyric Poetry freezes And all other vandorious diseases Bigfoot Okay, but Bigfoot pretty sure you not cure man who’s DEAD for five minutes! Doctor If he’s been dead five YEARS I can cure him! (Produces bottle from doctor’s bag) I have a bottle I bought in Montreal Will bring this dead man back to life in no time at all! (Steps over dead St. Michael, bends down and gives him a sip) Now, if’n you are not quite slain Rise Up, St. Michael the ArchiveAngel, to fight again! [St. Michael springs up, looking surprised. The mummers start the audience clapping.] Bigfoot And what will this poor Squiddly do? Bigfoot want to cure her too! [Doctor approaches squid.] Doctor Here, Big Eye, have a sip of my nip-nap [Doctor gives squid a sip. Squid grabs Doctor’s hand and pulls the bottle back for a longer sip, with a loud sucking sound. Squid Revives—Mummers applaud and cheer] Bass-Ackwards Hmm, they’re much as they were at the start of the play So…nothing has happened this long winter’s day. And if you don’t believe this lie is true, Tell us, Squire David, what’s left to do? Squire David While around you losers have been screwing, I diligently have been doing The task St. Michael needed done The toilet’s fixed, and he has won! So St. Michael can retire And another archivist we'll hire… But in case you haven't heard, It's not my problem anymore... I'm off for greener pastures In the fabled land “Sixth Floor!” Squid Before you go, Squire David…while on you have been carrying Bigfoot and I have begun to talk of marrying In fact, he has proposed to me, and the thing at which I’m getting Is that we would very much appreciate if you’d officiate the wedding!  Squire David Very well, very well…now take your places Ahem! Clearly Befuddled, we have blathered here this day To join skunk-ape and squid in unholy matrimony. Big-Eye, will you take Bigfoot To be your awful, wedded Hubby Despite the fact that he is so furry, and so tubby? And do you further vow to black his eyes and punch his nose To box his ears and pull his hair and stamp on his giant toes . . . To drink his beer and spend his dough And make his life a tale of woe? Squid I do Squire David Bigfoot, do you vow to take Big-Eye Squid To be your awful, wedded wife To be your only cuttlefish All the days of your life? And further, do you vow to wash the clothes and scrub the floor Forego all fun forevermore To wash the dishes and make the bed And wish to heck that you were dead? Bigfoot Bigfoot do! Squire David Fine, I now pronounce you Squid and Thing! You may kiss the bride, if you dare! (Bigfoot and Squid play pat-a-cake with their hands.) Bigfoot Bigfoot hope you all impressed, Think St. Michael and Squire David are the best! Even these big feet, not able to fill THEIR shoes, In fact, these guys leaving, it kinda give Bigfoot the blues.  Song: Cryptozoology Blues I woke up this morning, Bigfoot round my bed I woke up this morning, Bigfoot round my bed My baby done left me, for a small mammalian quadruped Got that ol’ Jersey Devil hoverin’ round my door Got that ol’ Jersey Devil just a-hoverin’ round my door Swum with Ogopogo till I couldn’t swim no more. That Old Chupacabra, he gets my goat each day That Old Chupacabra, he gets my goat each day And what he does to it, well, I can’t rightly say. So come on everybody get the cryptozoology blues Come on everybody get the cryptozoology blues Come boogie with Bigfoot, and bring your biggest dancing shoes! In the interests of covering our behinds, we will state here for the record that this is a parody. The Newfoundland-and-Saskatchewan Squid-and-Bigfoot Mummers Play and Mock Wedding was in fact written by Stephen Winick, with contributions from the cast, especially Maggie Kruesi, Thea Austen, Bert Lyons, and Valda Morris. [Back to Top] |
On the occasion of the retirement of Dr. Michael Taft, his colleagues at the American Folklife Center of the Library of Congress presented a rare production of one of Michael's greatest finds as a folklorist, “The Newfoundland-and- Saskatchewan Squid-and-Bigfoot Mummers Play and Mock Wedding,” a very unusual piece of folk drama unknown from any other sources. Interestingly, Michael collected nearly identical versions of this play twice, once from Izzy Noseworthy of Witless Bay, Newfoundland, while both were attending graduate school at Memorial University of Newfoundland, and once from Figment McGillicutty of Big Stick, Saskatchewan. Sadly, both informants passed away soon after conveying the play to Michael, and before any other scholars had a chance to meet them, so we have no way of knowing what other gems of traditional lore they might have had. In fact, no one else in either community had any clear recollections of these informants at all. Of course, this makes Michael’s documentation of their wonderful folk play all the more important as a feat of historical ethnography.